Tuesday, May 31, 2011

300 Followers! (Eventually)

I mean, it has to happen, eventually, right?
I've been stuck on 299 for what seems like forever now.  Any day now I'll break over that barrier. 
Maybe my odometer is stuck.
Maybe 299 is my lucky number.

But yeah, I pretty much wanted t make a post gloating bout how I can't gain followers. 

You don't get that just anywhere, you know. 

But really, thanks to all you 299 suckers who got me this far.

Monday, May 30, 2011

Hate To Be Cliche...

But Mondays are the worst.  It's just so hard to try to get back on the night work schedule. 
Especially off such a lame weekend. 

Big News of the Weekend:  I was the big hero, and fixed the neighbors lawn mower. 
The good news is it was an easy fix, and I spent a good amount of time looking at the amble cleavage of a good looking neighbor girl.  (Sometimes the simple pleasures are the best ones) 
The Bad News:  I also had to listen to an old fat woman talk about her sex life with her son.  (Picture the Old Indian Woman for The Simpsons Movie, only a real person, and now imagine her bragging about how noisy she is during sex)
I'd go into more detail, but believe me, that's all you need right now. 

This is a horrible, horrible post.  But it's Memorial Day, so maybe everyone is out and won't even see it.

Friday, May 27, 2011

Basement Neighbors

Fat dyke hair in a tight pink tank top pops out to ask if I drink regular Mountain Dew.
"Yeah, I guess."
"Do you have any?"
Awkward silence of mutual disappointment.
Slowly she closes her screen door.
Damn my neighbors are weird.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Not A Lot News

Meant to post last night but things got in the way. 
A girl I've been chatting with online surprised me by being awake, but since I don't like to kiss and tell, that's all I can really say.
(All the way, baby)

Also some local kids at work(a hotel, if you didn't know) decided to try to Library us again with our lobby computer. 
Oh kids, they think they're so smart, so sneaky. 
What they don't know is that I control the wireless router. 
Now I know why adults were such bastards when I was that age.
First, like all kids, I was a moron. 
Secondly, it's just fun. 
And what did I get for my efforts to teach them about boundaries, and respecting other people's property?
A middle finger as they left. 
You go, Master of Originality and Angst, go. 

Also, Treev is staying with me for a while, as long as he promises not to crap in my dirty laundry. 
We're still not sure why the Po Po are after him, but theory is that the Huffing Syndicate is trying to frame him for something for selling markers at a school. 
The Huffing Syndicate is very territorial. 

Monday, May 23, 2011

Finally Back

It's been a long weekend.  No internet at all.  Barely any electricity.
Found Treev in a park that is well know for being the hideout of people who don't want to be found.
(Which I guess kinda defeats the purpose)
I'll get more into it as I have more energy.
Oh, I found him alive and all.

In other park news, the police have identified a leg bone found in a park as that belonging to a local man who's been missing since last summer.
So we're still trying to figure out if we're looking for a body now, or a one legged hiker.
Which I guess would explain why it's taking him so long to get home.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Hurried Post

Can't spend much time writing today. 

It all started when some law enforcement types came to my door this morning during my nap.
After briefly excusing me to tend to my smoking and exploding microwave, they explained to me that my good friend, Treev Wilson, was missing, and they were wondering if I'd seen him.
Treev is a good friend of mine who is a notorious bootlegger of everything from cigarettes to raw milk.  It isn't unusual for him to disappear for long periods, so I told them I hadn't seen him, and it really isn't a big deal.
They never explained why they wanted to see him.
I said it wasn't a big deal, but knowing Treev's enemies, which range from the Roving Band of Sodomites to the heads of the Pervert Underground to Larry the Leper, any one of them could have finally gotten their sick hands on him.

So I'd better go out now and try to find him.

So, long story short:
There's drama that surprisingly doesn't include Sock
My thumb drives and microwave are now trashed
I need to go try to find my friend.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


Another night at work.
Two strippers in-house.
Fantasies abound
knowing it never has, or likely will, happen.
But I always keep my options open. 
If only I could be so pragmatic
in all other things.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Weekend Recap

So babysitting went fine.  I was hardly drunk at all by the time her parents came home. 
One of my best friends is getting married, so now I have to figure out how to get some scratch together for a plane ride to Dayton, Ohio by July. 
Also I'm the last one to get married. 

The stray cat my neighbors and I have been taming and looking after is dead. 
She got ran over a couple of blocks away. 
I know that I should feel worse, but I like that her last couple weeks of life were filled with love and food. 
That, and she crapped in my dirty laundry once. 
I'd post a picture of her, but as you know from previous posts, my camera sucks, so you wouldn't even really know it was a cat.

That, and I never took one of her. 

C'mon, she crapped in my dirty laundry.

Saturday, May 14, 2011


This is what my life has become.  I perfectly cloudy day and here I am babysitting my niece.
She's like a year and a half or something. 
I guess it isn't all bad, just watching Archer and Evil Dead while she does her thing. 
It's just really making me slow down on my drinking.
Mr. Responsible. 
Also, it appears her parents didn't honor my request to not feed or water her for 24 hours before I showed up.  So a diaper change is imminent. 
At least I don't think that smell is me.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Day of Victory

Jaw feels uneven.
As in, it doesn't open the same.
Try measuring with my fingers in my mouth,
but the results are inconclusive. 
Crush the can and go take a piss.
Baby fly (or something) lands on the side of the rim.
Nailed it.
It tries to crawl out of the frothy hell.
No you don't, you little bastard.
Tries to get out again.
Admire his tenacity, but I must win.
Game Over.
Stand outside the bathroom door.
What was I doing?
Suppose I was going to get another beer.
So I do.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Rape Whistles

Short post today.  I was inspired to make this by the post of a fellow blogger.  Sorry if I can't remember exactly who right now.  If you read this, please accept my apologies.

UPDATE:  As Colin has pointed out in the comments it was Kicking Rocks that had the post that inspired it.  Thanks guys.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Notstradamus Right Again

As I'm sure many of you have heard.  The Mississippi river is rising to historic levels. 
Which only reminds me of predictions made earlier HERE

Does anyone else have goosebumps right now?

Monday, May 9, 2011

Award Nomination!

Sorry I didn't post this sooner, but It appears I've been nominated for an award of some sort. 
I'm almost certain that it's for my philanthropy towards the neighborhood cats and out of work hookers, but I haven't been able to look into it too much.

So long story short, you should all go over to D4 and check it out for me.  You know, because I have stray cats to feed and a hooker coming over.

Helping the Helpless

1:30 am.
Guy wonders in, smell him before I see him.
Or something. 
Slurred confused topic hopping.
He has a room, he wants a room, here to meet friends.
A mix of speech and gestures,
He's doing Depp doing HST doing Jagger doing that sign language chimp.
Sits in a chair, I should just call the PD.
No, they'll bust in all tough, talk to him, then kindly give him a ride home and water to sober up.
They never do that for me.
They truck me down to Detox if I swerve to avoid a caterpillar on my walk home.
Guy passes out.
Go smoke and wonder what to do.
Minutes later.
Kick, whistle, yell, shake.
"hmm, um, um"
Finally get him up, tell him that the cab he wanted me to call is here.
He looks confused, but knows enough not to question it.
I direct him back out the front door.
He gets into the cab, and within minutes is on his way.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Blogger Glitch?

Sorry I haven't been able to keep up with you that I follow.  When I'm in my Dashboard, it says I'm not following anyone?  Did anyone else have this happen? 
Any idea what it might be?

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Recipe For Delicious Rape

Delicious Rape
serving size: multiple


1-Drivers license with current address

1-Work i.d

1-Work schedule

1-Set of house keys

1-Set of car keys

1. Mix in one (1) handbag or purse until desired consistency

2.Leave at a crowded bar on New Year's Eve


Sunday, May 1, 2011

Lazy Sick and Sock Post

Still feeling the Uberflu, though I think a lot of it might be the Hangover.
(Drink lots of fluids, right? hohoho)
And Sock is really getting on me with this paternity stuff, so I'll just leave you with yet another troll wincest picture.  I have others, but they aren't exactly safe for work, or PG.
So, long story short, another crappy post, but don't complain, it's free.