Summer Cruise

The pool room on the Titanic was a din of excitement as I walked in. Keith Richards, dressed in swim trunks and leather vest, did his best to adhere to the sensibilities of the time.

He smiled as he handed me a rounded crystal bottle of wine. He then playfully slapped me on the back and did a poor cannonball into the full pool.

Knowing Keith's history, I kept the lip of the bottle far away from my lips as I poured directly into my mouth. I missed badly, with most of the wine splashing wildly on my shirt.

“Not bad.” I thought to myself as a rash developed on my chest.

Living Room Wildlife

The shoelace on the floor picked up its head and started writhing its way across the matted carpet. The Drunk sat on his couch and watched, sipping from the bottle.

He'd noticed it had moved from place to place, but just figured he'd done it with his feet, or in the lost moments.

He looked for the shoe amidst the clutter. It might be fun, to lace a writhing shoelace.

Would it bite?

But just as he found the shoe, the lace fell limp and lifeless.

Clutching the shoe and bottle, he intently waited for it to return to life.

A Shorthand Version of the Fall of the Mayans

Chapter 1

Holy Crap! Look at us! We're the greatest, most powerful, and advanced society ever!

Chapter 2

Hey, what the heck is going on?

Chapter 3

..............



 (Didn't anyone think to write this crap down?)

My Keanu Reeves Story

Now I'm sure by now everyone knows the tragic tale of Keanu Reeves.  If you don't, just look up "Keanu Reeves Sad".  The part that always give me the tight chest is the fact is that no matter how much life has pissed on him, he has by all accounts remained what I would dare call an outstanding human being.
But that doesn't mean you still can't have some fun with it.
When ever I see sites were people post their stories about interactions with celebrities, I post this heartwarming tale.
***

About 5 years ago my family went to visit my sister in LA. One day while we were there I got roped into watching my niece in a hair salon while my sister got her hair done.
So I'm sitting in the salon lobby, bored as fuck, watching my niece and who walks in but Keanu fucking Reeves.
At first I was kind nervous and freaked out, I'd just kinda glance at him every now and then, trying not to freak him out. But then my fucking niece starts crying and fidgeting and shit and won't shut up. So I'm trying to keep my niece quiet and not bother Keanu, when oops, too late, he gets up and walks over to us.
He just smiled and stroked her hair, and asked me what was wrong. I said I didn't know. Then he looked at me with those penetrating blue eyes and simply said in that soothing voice "She seems like she's hungry."
Then he lifted up his shirt and breastfed my niece right there in the salon lobby.
True story.

***

Some people are amused.  Others...not so much.  But now you know if you see this story you have run into me. 

Or one of my followers.