Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Shiraz Economy

Early afternoon is an awful time for shiraz, though I'm not sure if it's the time of day or the wine.
Nasty stuff, really. With an aftertaste that only moderately hints of household cleaner. (which I suppose could be blamed on my drinking mug, but I never clean that)
The whole thing tastes of being fermented in some prison. (and seeing as how it was made in Australia, makes sense)
But it gets the job done, I suppose. Makes me forget the light head and numb right fingers with the mystery bump.
So I'll stick with this 16 dollar jug of shiraz until it turns my teeth purple. If I'm going to pay the 75 dollars that my shit insurance won't cover for every teeth cleaning, I'm going to get my money's worth.
You gotta squeeze every penny in this economy.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Lost Moment

Victor had enough. The parties, the loud talking, the trash thrown into his yard.
For 6 months he lay in bed, trying to sleep. Couldn't call the cops, they'd know it was him. Couldn't go himself, who knows what would happen.
Sometimes he'd get brave, and throw the trash back. When they weren't home.
He figured like all smart adults, they'd figure it out.
They didn't.
Enough was enough.
Finally, he worked up the righteousness. He walked up to their door, but saw the pink eviction notice.
Stolen of his brave moment, Victor walked back dejected.
Next time, he swore.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Assault Knives: America's Hidden Scourge


Recently an 18 year old Oklahoma woman made the news for shooting an intruder while on the phone with a police dispatcher.  The woman was home alone with her baby when a 24 year old man armed with a 12 inch knife attempted to break into her home with an accomplice.
            This story has risen a number of questions about American freedoms, the most controversial of which is always: How long will America continue to ignore its problem with assault knives?
            Yes, it is stated in the 2nd Amendment that the people have a right to “bear arms”, but that was also written in a very different time in history.  In those days, the average American may have needed large knives to protect themselves from bears, Englishmen, and bandits.  But today, the bear has been relegated to the zoo, the most aggressive Englishman plays a doctor on your TV, and the police are there to protect us around the clock.  
            Realistically, for what purpose does the average person need to use a 12 inch knife?  What could possibly be so large that you need an entire foot to cut through it?  The largest head of organically grown lettuce can easily be bisected using two cuts of a 4 inch knife.
            Sure, a large knife may have been needed for hunting, or in colonial kitchens for the purpose of cutting breads, cheeses, and meats.  But again, the times have surpassed the knife with all foods coming in the form of can, slice, box, or shredded. 
            When we look at the facts, there can be only one purpose for such weapons, but the Big Knife lobby continues to keep the American people in danger by pulling the wool over their eyes and lining the pockets of legislators.  Big Knife has been successful in blocking any legislation that would even slow the selling of assault knives.
            Knowing it was futile, I called my local sheriff and asked him the number of knives sold in our county.  He simply nervously laughed and hung up the phone.  It's not that he was hiding anything, he had no need to.  
            The fact is that are no age checks, background checks, or even accounting of knife sales in this country.  Any man or woman of any mental mind frame can simply walk into a local Wal-Mart, pick up a package of assault knives (Ooh! 2 for 1!) and walk to the register.  Oh yeah, while while they are there, why not pick up a couple sharpeners?  Never can tell how dull a knife will get after a full day of stabbin', you know. 
            How many crimes have been perpetrated due to the assailant holding “courage with a handle”?  Would this wayward young man have even attempted this home invasion if he had, say, a perfectly safe and reasonable electric knife?  Sadly, we may never know.  The bloody hands of the Big Knife lobby is covering the ears and eyes of those who swore to protect us.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Super Bowl 42 Truth

Now that another Super Bowl between the Giants and Patriots is just a few days away, I think it's time we take another look at what happened the first time they met.
I have posted this on other sites, but nobody is willing to see the truth. 
I, the humble truth teller, laid out my reasons for questioning the results of Super Bowl 42 as such:

*****
The world was shocked by the events of February 3, 2008, but if you look closely to what happened, there are a number of questions that arise that challenge the "official story" of the Giants Super Bowl win.

*Has a 12 point underdog ever won the Superbowl?

*Despite universal predictions that the Patriots would win, how could Plaxico Burress not only predict the Giant's victory, but also predict almost exactly the correct final score?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqErnhihQFQ&feature=related
*Notice Tom Brady's nervous laughter to hearing Buress' prediction. Is he afraid that he had let the cat out of the bag?


*After his bold prediction, what are the odds that Burress would also score the game winning touchdown?

*How could a player who had not caught a touchdown all season catch one in the Super Bowl against the best team in the league?

*How could a team that beat the Giants only weeks before by three points then lose to them by three points?

*How could the leagues highest scoring team only score 14 points?

*Despite running drills and practices against passes all season, and for two weeks specifically against the Giants, why did the defense suddenly "fail" on January 21?

*Eli Manning was the winning QB in Super Bowl 42, Peyton Manning was the winning QB in Super Bowl 41. Their connection? They're brothers.

*Why were the Giants wearing hats declaring themselves Super Bowl 42 champions IMMEDIATELY AFTER the game? There's no way that hats can be made that fast.

*Why was Tom Brady seen wearing a cast on his leg the week before the Super Bowl?

*Why was Bill Belichick quoted as saying after the game "it is what it is."?

*Why has there been a complete media blackout of anybody questioning the official story of Super Bowl 42?

**
As of yet, there is still no official inquiry into what happened at Super Bowl 42

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Black Out

Two Mankato pizza delivery drivers where arrested at gunpoint near downtown this Saturday night. And while the assailants were eventually apprehended, it raises questions among residents if these crimes would have even been attempted if we still had our favorite local vigilante. 

The pizza driver heists, the summer art walk defacings, these were all crimes where, until recently, a hero would step in at the last second and save the day for the decent people of the city. He was a man the people could count on, even if he couldn't be counted on not soiling himself. He was a man that came to be known as Black Out.

Black Out, the drunken knight whose real identity is unknown to all probably including himself. With raw drunken strength and an inhuman imperviousness to pain he would stumble unto the scene of the crime just as all seemed lost. After overcoming the criminals with a raging berserker attack that no sane man could summon or simply receiving a beating that left attackers thoroughly exhausted, Black Out would reject the thanks of those he had saved and stagger off into the night slowly suckling his bottle.

Witnesses had no clear description of Black Out. All they could agree on was that he was around 6 foot tall, white, with brown hair and the dilated black eyes of the man who had long ago crossed the threshold of consciousness. His costume was never the same twice, with it seeming that he hid his appearance with whatever items he found at hands reach. The only other real clue was that witnesses would report the strong stench of alcohol and pine scent air freshener just before he apeared. 

At first the police and other traditional justice outlets didn't know what to make of Black Out. Sheriff Brad Peterson at first vowed to hunt him down “If I have to chase him down a bottle of whiskey”. They were going going to toss him in the detoxification center in New Ulm until he lost his taste for either the booze or fighting crime. 

But the traditional justice outlets never found him, and with every interrupted misdemeanor they developed a tolerance for him which grew into a grudging respect. It is even reported that on more than one occasion the good deputies of Blue Earth would find him sleeping it off in the bushes near the crime scene, and after giving him some sports drink they would drop him off at any location he desired. 

The streets of Mankato can be a dangerous place at night, and Black Out knew its pulse like the flow of his toilet. But the days of the sotten vigilante are apparently done here. Did he suddenly wake up on his couch one morning battered, bruised, hungover, and finally decide to give up the drink? Did he get a job that keeps him home at night getting a full nights sleep? Does he even know the hero that he was? 

We may never know the answer to these questions. And what is worse, if we knew who to ask, he might not even know.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

I Don't Always Rant (podcast alert)

But when I do, it's on a podcast.

Yes, I've expanded my horizons to podcasting.  You know, for when I'm just too lazy to write things out. 

You can agree with it or not, but *Spoiler Alert*

it's about a girl bragging about getting regularly tested for HIV on Facebook.

Some things just catch my eye.  But not always.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Ass Beard

Ass Beard wasn't a pirate, but people treated him like he was. Thief, liar, murderer, scoundrel, he wasn't any of these, but once people heard his name they couldn't help but treat him as such. 

He tried his best to prove people wrong. He saved children who were retrieved by scared mothers, opened doors for cowed and shivering strangers, he loaned money that was repaid with obscene and unasked for interest. Nothing Ass Beard did could change people's minds about him, or his name.

Alone at night he would stare at the stars, and wonder if there was another world out there. A world where people heard the name Ass Beard and let out a giggle, instead of a moan.