Crap Post

It's been quite the absence.  A week?  Who the hell knows. 

No big excuse. 

First my computer crashed (sorta)

And then my car crashed (as in stopped working)

And then the lightbulb went out in my bathroom.  And that was just too much for me to handle. 

But you don't want to listen to me whine and bitch.  So here, have a picture of one of my aquariums.

Or my brother-in-law's Basset Hound sleeping on his back. 

I am the Harper Brothers

I'm the smart shy lonely guy.
Without the chiropractic.
I'm the drinking fun creative guy.
Without the women conquests.
And as for the boy,
I just do stupid things. 

Another Script in the Works

Been a slow and frustrating day.  After the success of The War Womb, I've decided to start another script. 

This one is untitled and still being hashed out, but it's about a Sperm Mule who gets into an epic gunfight battle on an airplane. 

It'll be stupid, have lots of violence, and of course boobies. 

Gotta have the boobies. 

In other news, my neighbors are having people over again to breed thier dog. 

I'm not sure how that sort of thing even works.  Do you sit around, idly chit chatting, waiting for your dogs to start to make it?  Are there drinks involved? (For you or the dogs) 

I think I'm too afraid to ask. 

Wolf Blitzer is a Jeopardy Super Star

Was drunk and searching through my drives, and came away with this little diddy. You all might now Wolf Blitzer as the authorative news source from CNN But in fact, he's kinda dumb. I'm sure the peppered beard makes him look smart, but that's an easy trap to fall in to. Like a nice rack. This is after he went on the show Jeopardy! I'd link to it, but honestly, I can't do all your work for you. and I'm drunk. Wolf Blitzer is a Jeopardy Super Star by allentesch

Sock Returns

Longtime readers might have noticed that I haven't mentioned Sock in quite some time. 

(For those of you unfamiliar with Sock, just click on the tag at the end of this story and read from the bottom up.)

The truth is, after she threatened me with paternity of her children, and her father's threats of murder, I had successfuly managed to avoid her and her psycho family. 

Until now. 

I woke up this afternoon to this picture slid underneath my door, with a cryptic note telling me to "Do the write thing" or some terrible things might happen to me. 

So I'm not sure what to do now, I like this place too much to move, but I know for a fact that these kids aren't mine.  Their mother is a whore, and really, just look at them, they look nothing like me. 

I guess I'll just drink on it. 

A Shorthand Version of the Fall of the Mayans

Chapter 1

Holy Crap! Look at us! We're the greatest, most powerful, and advanced society ever!

Chapter 2

Hey, what the heck is going on?

Chapter 3

..............



 (Didn't anyone think to write this crap down?)

Sarah Palin Had it with a Black Man

For your enjoyment. Another professionally produced, timely song about the news on Wednesday about Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin Had it with a Black Man by allentesch

Job Hunt

2:45 am
At work.
Two black hoodies out front.  Skinny comes in while fatty stays out front. 
Hood up, dirty jeans.
Pale, sunken eyes, buzz cut and pockmarks. 
Wrings his hands and asks quietly about the application he turned in. 
Tell him I have no idea, to maybe HR during the daytime tomorrow.
HR?  he asks.
Human Resources.  I explain. 
Mumbles thanks and hustle shuffles out, head down. 
Joins fatty, chats, and off into the night. 
The optimist in me hopes they were scoping the place for a robbery.

Another 55

When looking through some stuff I found a few more 55 word stories like the ones I had posted here. 

So, here's one.

Parade

     He drove slowly down the street, a good 25 miles per hour below the speed limit.  As drivers honked and cursed and swerved around, he gaily honked his horn and waved back, throwing candy to awed gawkers by the street.  The police arrived and hauled him to jail saying, "You can't just start a parade."

Music Genius

So you know what I do with my spare time? I'm a musical genius.
 I have gotten a new computer, so this is the only song I have now for now.
 I do have some other tracks which I like to call Harmonica Punk, But I'm too drunk to retrieve them now.
I was going to make this the song that automatically played when you opened my page, but I realized that might be annoying. See people? I'm a giver. And drunk. Blogtest by allentesch

Stray Cat

Stray orange cat.
The third for the neighbor lady in the past few months. 
The first got run over, the second just (?) and the third,
well, I guess we'll see. 
It's dark, dangerous time for unattached pussy.
The Y is closing, and like a stray red head at last call, she's on the prowl.
Looking for someone to take her home. 
She tentatively approaches those leaving, interested but not begging.
Some show interest, but ultimately decline.
You never know what a stray might have.
Finally a young woman picks the cat up, checks for a tag, and petting her gently puts it in her car.
The next day the neighbor lady will be distraught.
Again.
She'll ask me if I'd seen Orangy or Creamcicle, or whatever name she'd given it.
And I won't say anything.

Wisdom

10pm, Sun is down.
Time to wake up.
All the Day Walkers are laughing at monologues
and finishing the day.
I'm just getting started.
Sorta.
Everything takes a bit longer.
A 10pm hangover is a different level,
but at least I don't need shades.
Tums and Coffee.
Stomach acid fight.
Grab my band and head into the quiet.
Crickets, and a stock bass
slowly cruising up the street.
A nice car, for Mommy and Daddy's.
They see my uniform.
A teen boy voice screams teen deep platitudes.
"Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!" it shrieks. 
Someday, kid.
You will.