Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Free Air

Low tire, need Air.
Free Air.
This is the second station I've been to
and the damn thing doesn't work.
Go inside, inquire.
Bald Beard comes out to fix it.
Nice guy.
Second Guy has pulled up already
That precious Free Air.
We trio chat while Bald guy works on the hose.
Ice chips, or something, he says.
Try to be kind, since I'm not buying anything
I've been here before, wonder if he remembers me.
If not, he will next time.
The Free Air Bastard.
If this was my job, I'd be pissed.
But this is different.
This is his freaking job.
Fix job done, I fill up
then wait until he's inside
before I quickly drive away.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Ode to Winter Worries

Wake up on the couch just before 11am after work.
The frozen screen door sounds like it'll shatter as it shuts.
Can't tell if I'm inhaling smoke or air, but it doesn't matter
I'm getting a head rush anyway.
Step in and grab a garbage back of rock salt
I stole from work.
A few handfuls, but it'll be enough.
A handful a day will be enough to melt it.
Maybe by April.
Idiot Neighbor steps out, spilling out of his plaid pajamas.
I step in, all bundled and wait.
Why do I care what Idiot Neighbor thinks anyway?
It's just his presence.
It's unnerving.
Step back out and spread the salt.
Step in, undress, see the financial shows.
Blue shirts with white collars, suspenders.
Bet they never had to worry about an Idiot Neighbor
and stealing rock salt for frozen walk ways.
Or maybe they did, way back when.
Which is even worse.
I wash my hands and change the channel.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Tuesday At Work

A fleshy, limp, stumbly woman paddles to the lobby.  Loose flannel shirts and baggy pants.  Stringy hair falls over melting face.
Asks for a room and a rate.  I reluctantly comply, hoping for sighs of disapproval in her sagging jowels.
She agrees and pulls out a dirty letter envelope of money.  Says that'll be cash.
Of course it is
She looks 60 but more like 40. Her expired I.D only confirms.
Two different people staring at me.
She mutters something about it being quite a day.  You're telling.
In town address, recognize the apartment complex.  Stereotypes confirmed.
I hand her old self back, where she is stuffed back in the old dirty envelope.
She requests that no none knows she is there, if anyone should call.
Of course, I reply.
She readjusts her layers of clothing, spreading the stale aura that surrounds her.
I hold my breath and get her signature.
Give her the keys and tell her where to go.
She stands, staring at me.  I say she's all set to go.
She limps back out to the Beard and Flannel lurking outside, waiting.
Through the monitors I watch them wonder away.
And I go back to my book.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Passive Aggressive Justice

Bastards have done it again.  Gray Tahoe with the busted up rear bumper.
Parked in front of my drive, probably for the night.
Probably doesn't even give it a second thought, as he (she?) heads to the opium den next door.
Why should he?  No one's ever done anything.
99% of assholes are caused by people who are too nice to say anything.
I should anonymously call the cops, get him a ticket, get him towed.
The masturbatory fantasies of a coward.
Dusk is falling, no one is around.
Deeply I hawk a thick one up, and out of the side of my mouth I launch.
It lands with a ping on the frozen hood.
Satisfied, I walk back to my door, Justice being served.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

FreindZone Vigilante

For the fifth time he parks outside her house.  He'll do it.  This time he'll do it. 
He's gotta do something.  No one else will.  He's her friend, it's his duty, isn't it?
He plays it over again, how it'll go down.
Kick the door, punches, kicks, the speech.
She won't leave him, not yet, so he's got to stop. 
One thing at a time. 
One thing till she realizes what he's known for years, and comes.
It gets darker.  Checks his watch.  Shit. 
She'll be home soon.
Now.  Or never.
What if she gets home early?
Shit.  Probably shouldn't today.  Tomorrow.  Wait, work tomorrow.
He'll have to check her schedule.
For the fifth time he starts his car.
As he drives away he swears he sees a curtain move.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Movie Quiz Results.

I'd almost forgotten.  Congratulations to commenters Sidewayz and Sam for correctly guessing Red Dawn as the movie!

Now If you'll just kinda post your name and address, I'll get that Ramen or a prize of equal value mailed to you!

Good job guys!

Harvey Buttplug

Harvey Buttplug  sat alone on the park bench, dejected.  A lone tear streaked down his face as he contemplated cruel fate.  He hadn't asked to be a butt plug, he didn't choose to be born this way.

Harvey wasn't even completely sure what people had against his kind anyway.  He sneers, the way other toys crossed the street when they neared, the muffled laughter he knew was about him.  He tried to rise above it all, was kind to all he met, overly so even.

There was a small group that did accept Harvey and his kind, but they were few, and even they would never admit it to their friends.  Harvey was always kept in the bottom drawer, way in the back, usually put in a box for a curling iron or some other device. 

Harvey tried not to be ashamed of what he was he knew he provided a service,  one his users appreciated, as ashamed of it as they were.  He was clean, against all butt plug stereotypes, and appreciated music and art.  But none of that mattered.  To the world, Harvey was his profession, and would forever be nothing more, nothing less. 

A pair of vibrators walked quickly by, whispering and laughing to themselves.  After they passed a fleshlight across the path caught Harvey's eye, giving him a rueful, knowing smile.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Movie Quiz

If you can guess what popular 80's movie this is from, I'll give you...I dunno, a packet of Ramen or something.

Saturday, March 19, 2011


Early.  Passed out early.  On purpose.  Have to go eat chicken dinner with some family. Thank you Based Obama
Watching fishing shows.  Don't fish, but raise them.  Thank you Based Obama.
Just four hours now till Chicken Dinner.  Gotta stay hungry till then.  Maybe nap.
Thank you Based Obama.
Guess I don't even have a reason for this post.  Accept to give my daily thanks to Based Obama.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Weekend Again

And the first thing I do is gonna get my hands on that pulled pork sandwich we're serving in the restaurant. 
Then home, and try to sleep.  But doubt I will.
Might be an early drunk weekend. 
Picked both Richmond and Morehead to win in the NCAA.
I hope it makes the Libyan rebels feel better.
Maybe we should drop them copies of "Rudy" and "Hoosiers", etc. 
Underdog movies, that's what they need.

But I also think that welfare recipients should also watch "Little House on the Prairie"
And that's just racist.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

I've figured It Out

If I want more followers, views, whatever it is we are here for.  I should pretend to be a woman.  One that puts up a stock profile pic that doesn't show a face.  I can have a man name, but I'll have the chicky body, so guys will think it's okay. 
I'm not against someone using that ploy.  All hats off, I just wish I'd thought of it.


Been a long week already.  Not sure how. 
Big day, Madness and Patrick's.  Some money and booze is gonna be in demand.
Japan is working on Godzilla. 
(Good thing I don't have a respectable job.  I could get fired for that.) 
Libyans gonna get slaughtered, but you can't gamble on that.
 But just gonna fill out my Bracket and forget it all.
What kind of person would I be if I didn't?

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Oil Change

7:30 am at the oil change. Waiting.  Reading Spin and Sports.  Ads, articles. Ads.
Man comes and tells me this and that.  I know, don't do anything.
I have a coupon.
Back to the magazines.  He shuffles off, but he'll be back
Ads and Pitches, Ads and Pitches.
Don't forget to visit my site.

Over The Hump

Still on about the 100 followers.  It feels nice, but now hollow.  I imagine it's a little like gettin it for the first time.  You always fret that it'll never happen, but then it does, and while you know hat each time it happens again will be neat, it'll never be like the first time. 
So I just wanted all of you original 100ers to know that no matter how many other members I get, you'll always be like the first time to me.

Saturday, March 12, 2011


Well, almost... been stuck in the 90's lately(not that I don't appreciate you all) but now at 97, creeping up to 100. 

Who will be lucky 100?  It. could. be. you.

Prize will be determined by your sex and by current financial situation.

Short Day

It's been a short day, got up at noon, took a nap at 1, woke up at three. 
Was going to get my oil changed in the beast today.  But I guess I can do it this week too.  
Guess there really isn't anything else to report. 
Oh, beat up a hobo on my way home from the liquor store.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Great News!

As some of you know, me and The Lady have parted ways after she decided to go back with her husband.  But a man has needs, right?  So I decided to break down and go to Craigslist to reply to a few ads. 
Well, not to draw things out, but I think I've found The One.  Of course I was smart and asked for some pics, but now I'm hooked.  We're gonna meet tomorrow at an old gas station.  It's gonna be so cash.  She said she'd even "do stuff" right there!
What do you think?  Anyone else have any Craigslist stories?

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

New Weather, New Adventures.

It's starting to get warmer.  It did snow last night but It melted, so as the snow recedes it only means a new danger is afoot. 
Butt Pirates. 
No, not the traditional homosexual farers of the high seas that you think about.  I'm talking about the bums who stalk from ash can to ash can in hunt for a cigarette butt to smoke. 
Now that the snow isn't destroying them immediately, they'll surely appear as the snow disappears. 
So now I'll just hang out next to my window and wait for them to come for my can.  And while I do, I'll practice some chords on my harmonica. 
Anyone else play any instruments?

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Lazy Post, More Troll Captions.

Sorry about the lack, and lazy posts, just haven't been feeling "up to it" lately.  Not sure why.  Maybe it's about the depression of losing the lady or the problems with sock, or the fact that I had a quart of blood on my toilet paper when I wiped the other day.  But anyway, here's some more troll captions.  I made all of these.  Hope you enjoy

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Five Dollar Digital Camera

So the other night I was out shopping at the Dollar General and I ran across a five dollar digital camera.  I know what you're thinking: "A five dollar digital camera? What could go wrong?"  Well, I guess that's what I was thinking, because the receipt tells me I bought it. 
So I decided to take a few pictures to upload for you all to see this weekend's damage.  Maybe some of these posts will make more sense then.

Charlie Sheen Ustream

So I ended up getting plastered and must have passed out early last night.  But apparently not before calling an ex, and making some new friends on a cam sight.  But that's not what's important.  I missed the Charlie Sheen Ustream, which was at 10 my time last night. 
Did anybody see it?  That last thing I remember is walking to the liquor store because I was afraid I wouldn't have enough beer for today (Freakin Blue Laws).  No drunk driving for me, my friends, the bastards I take with me are gonna deserve it. 
But anyways.  Did anyone see it?

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Nothing Saturday

Woke up on the couch at noon.  Hungover?  Hell yes I was hungover.  But not that bad.  It's 1:30 now, and I want to take a nap. 
Nothing on tv, except basketball.  So I guess it could be worse.
15 damn messages from Sock.  I haven't even read them.  I don't even want to know. 
Guess I should try to get out there and make of day of it, but it's already over half done, so don't really see the point. 
I should probably eat today though
That'd be something at least.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Another Man Accused Of Molesting Mentally Impaired Mankato Teen - KEEZ

Another Man Accused Of Molesting Mentally Impaired Mankato Teen - KEEZ

only share this because I had an unfortunate run in with this man just a week before he got arrested. He almost got into a slap fight with the lady friend over parking in the street by their houses.
That was the only time we met him, and we knew he was gay at first sight, but not pedogay. He was a real bitch about it, so really, we are enjoying this.

Thursday, March 3, 2011


Just some I made today.  They seemed to be a big hit, I don't know why I'm such a "hater" on the wincest captions.  Maybe it's because back in my day porn was hard.  It was either in print or VHS form.  If you were a horny boy, you either went to a stash or used you own damned imagination.  Now kids these days have naked chicks at every click.  In my day, porn meant something.  And now we got these jerk offs that get off on badly written captions written over public domain pictures, that's how far they've gone.  In my day, tits were enough.  Now you must need a multi-media presentation on what is going on and how you should do it.

My Bastard Car

It's about time to get my oil changed (it's been a year) so that I can get some power steering fluid put in.  If the engine is cold it can't turn at all, and if it's warm the steering can be erratic.  I'll be trying to steer through a parking lot, and the wheel will be tough at first so I really put the pressure on, but then suddenly the power steering will kick in so I jerk like a jackass into a group of school children.

One of these days one of those little bastards will know how to read and get my plate number.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

A Movie I've Seen?

This morning when I was napping I had a dream about what I think is a movie I've seen.

The dream was about a young guy, Jewish I think, who is picked on and miserable, and his life just generally sucks.  But then he does one of those "transformation" things and makes himself into a cool, popular kid.  At the end he throws a party that is a blast, with him the life of it.  But at the end of the movie, he realizes that the kids who had always picked on him don't care that he is throwing such a great party, that they still probably don't like him, and they'll never treat him differently, so he goes ahead and kills himself anyway. 

In the dream I kept thinking this was a movie I've seen or heard about, but aren't sure.  I know there are quite a few movie buffs out there so I was wondering if anyone out there could help.  Thanks guys.

Got Up Early

Before work.  Too early.  Now have coffee jitters on an empty stomach and have nothing to do.  Trying to get some ballast by eating mint cookies that someone left at work, but not sure if it's working.
Watching Charlie Sheen on Twitter.  That outta be fun, but I'm sure you've already heard all about it.
Windy, damn cold, jitters, and Charlie Sheen.
Crap, what have I done? 

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Back From the Weekend.

And it wasn't half bad.  Nothing too exciting happening, except now I have to figure out the mystery of the missing London Broil.  Seriously, it just disappeared out of my freezer.  I don't remember eating it (though lets be honest, it is possible I wouldn't remember everything I'd eaten this weekend). 
Could somebody have possibly broken into my apartment and taken just a london broil?  Granted, it was the only thing of value in my place, but still, it seems like a lot of effort to go through for a piece of hamburger with bacon wrapped around it.