Friday, February 25, 2011

Weekend Time

Well, it's time for a well deserved break.  Don't really have anything special planned, but something usually comes up.  I just hope I don't wake up in an old aquarium box in the kitchen with my pants outside the front door again.  I'm not sure what that was all about. 
Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

The Gift That Keeps Giving

So today I got a text from a lady I used to know, saying she couldn't stop thinking about me.  Well, actually she said she was still pissed at me for giving her the Herp and if I didn't soon die in a fiery pile of infected dildos, she'd see to it. 
But at least she is thinking of me. 
Herp.  The gift that keeps on giving.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I Was Having A Perfectly Good Afternoon

Drinking beer and eating fried crumbs off my George Foreman grill when all the sudden Sock's father calls and starts yelling at me.  I couldn't understand most of what he said through the chew and sunflower seeds but from what I could gather sock went crying to him about what I'd done, she's pregnant, and he hopes I do the right thing, blah blah blah.
First off, what cum rag goes to her freaking dad about what she's been doing, and secondly, we were last together like two weeks ago, how could she claim to be pregnant so soon?
I have to admit I'm not familiar with the gestation period of the average sock, but what I do know is that there is a pile of stiffened dishrags, towels, and comforters that could pile half way from here to the moon, that could bring a paternity test against me if this is true.
I dunno, I'm just kinda scared because he's a double knit heavy wool hunting sock, dude probably could do some damage to me if he wanted.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

So I Was Leaving For Work Tonight

To see that some asshat had parked behind my driveway.  I knew it was a neighbor in the apartment building next door's friend.  So I kindly went over there and told them to move my car.  But I'm thinking I should have just stuck with my initial response to have it towed. 
But I wasn't sure if I could just call a tow company to take it away, or if the police needed to ticket it first.  Anyone have any ideas?

Sorry About That

Haven't really been posting anything really.  Not sure if it's the snow or what, just not much has been going on.  As an apology, please accept this sexy caption.

Friday, February 18, 2011

My Reality Show

Just catch my piece of the pie at the tail of of a fad, I'm going to be pitching a reality show to execs. 
It's going to be called "Liquor Store"

The premise is simple.  You take a team of people (say 10-15) and you lock them in a liquor store for a month. 
Their mission is to drink all the liquor they can with one person being voted off at the end of each episode, and the winner earning 10 times the amount of the value of all the booze that is consumed.
I can just imagine people forming drunken alliances, voting off the lightweights, drunken hookups and shenanigans, etc.
The only problem I see is that this probably wouldn't fly in the US.  Anyone know any country that would air this?

p.s  If anyone reads this and actually makes a show you'd better give me a cut or I'll hunt you down and cut your nuts off with the broken teeth I salvage out of the trash behind the dentist's office.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

The Oscars

Sorry, but I just can't get it up to watch a bunch of famous millionaires get drunk and hand out awards to each other. 
Of course there's always the preaching to look forward to.  Here's someone who is told where to stand and what to say for a living telling  me how to live my life.
I'll learn the importance of turning off my lights when I leave the room or walking instead of driving, but never once do they tell us to stop going to electricity guzzling movie theaters or stop buying dvds made from petroleum based products.

Funny that.

The Good News Is

That the lady friend doesn't know about sock, she was just wondering what flavor of weather it was going to be the next day.  But there is some bad news in that I've seem to come down with a flu/cold with potential of strep. 
I must have caught it from sock, as the lady friend doesn't have it, and they're the only ones I've been with lately.  Sock said she was clean.  Never believe a sock.  Socks lie about that shit all the time. 

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Bad News Guys...

I think my sock called my girlfriend.

That stupid mouthy bitch I should tear all the elastic out of her leg hole.

I had an idea that something was wrong when we got done with our romance today.  I threw her in the corner like I always do, and she started asking all those same questions: "Why don't you wear me to see your friends?" and "Why don't you bleach me anymore?"
I told her "Damn, sock, I just spent Valentine's Day with you.  What is that?  Nothing?"
Then she just got all quiet, and started sniveling so I threw her in the hamper so she'd know who's boss.
But now I've been getting 2 am texts from my lady friend saying we have to talk.  I think Sock crawled out and went through my phone while I was sleeping.

This can't be good.

Next time I'm sticking that bitch in a drawer.

Happy Valentine's Day

Just wanted to wish a happy V-day to all my followers.  Hope it went well.  I just took it easy by curling up with a 12 pack and a porno tape.  Might not be the most conventional way to celebrate, but I know I can't get a sock pregnant.  Anyone else have a good day?

Monday, February 14, 2011

Well, It's about that time.

To go home to my crappy small apartment without internet.  Will probably just drink beer and watch morning television until I'm nice and buzzed.  Then I'll drunk dial friends.  Just cuz that's how I roll.

Caption Pictures

What the hell?  Who gets off on these things?

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Sunday Morning

And not that hung over.  Up early for a change.  Bough the lady a rose for Valentine's.  But I think she appreciated the two packs of cigs more.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Major League

Only has 2 stars?  It's a classic for chrissake.  Just goes to show you what...dammit...those movie decider if good things are.... critics.  That's what they are called.  Oh well.  Any other movies that are panned by critics but are classics? 

Not Sure What Will Happen

Right now I'm two spiced rum and fruit punches in.  She isn't even home from work.  It's not even 10am.  We have plans.  Like some laundry or fine dining or going to the pet store.  Maybe all of that.  Probably all of that.  Damn.  I just want to sit here and watch the Wedding Singer and masturbate like I always do.  Oh, she might be bringing a McMuffin home, I'm sure she will.  That's worth it.

Spiced rum and fruit punch...I wouldn't recommend it.  But neither would I anything I do.

So Why Is It.....

that every. freaking. time. you say you aren't going to drink a lot that you always do?  It's not that I have anything to do but sit here and stew in my own stench and cotton head, but the lady has to go to work for a few hours.  We swore "Not excessive drinking tonight".  Well, two cases of Coors and that was over.  We're either gonna have to stop drinking or stop working.

Friday, February 11, 2011


After a grueling three days of of blogging here, it's the weekend.  Which means a nice two days of drinking and hanging with the lady. 
So really, don't be surprised if there are a few drunken updates.

Hosni Mubarak

He's out, he's in.  No wait, he's out.  Nope, he's staying.  Is it just me or is this guy the Brett Favre of dictators?  Just imagine the texts he's sending his colleagues:

hay kim jong dey tink im out but dey dnt kno me lolz keep it reel boyz. mooby Global News, Opinion and Information - Home Global News, Opinion and Information - Home

Pitbulls and Parolees

I like this show just because of the potential for disaster and lack of thought this woman has. 

"Sure, felon who has just gotten out of prison and hasn't seen a woman in years, why don't you go out and clean the dog pens with my nubile daughters."

What could possibly go wrong?

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Poor Guy

CNN had a segment that allowed long term unemployed people to pitch for a job on national tv.  One guy who has been out of work for 18 months was pitching for a job as a sport broadcaster.  About 1 minute into his pitch he got cut off to switch to breaking news about Egypt. 

Poor guy just can't catch a break.

Valentines Day

Is pretty much the New Years of romance.  Forced feelings, forced love.  If you don't do something romantic,(Whether you have someone at the time or not) you're some kind of low life, like those who choose to stay home on New Years Eve.

Heck, and this is the view I hold on a year I have someone to spend the day with.  You either get raped in social standing or the wallet.  Take your pick. 

New, Very Very New

And I'm just gonna try this out.  Who knows?  Maybe it will turn into something.  Or not.  As always.