Saturday, April 30, 2011

When The Attractive Sing About Lovelack

Still mostly down with the SwineSARSMadBirdLyme flu.  But just wanted to jot down a little something that I've noticed about music. 

And that would be attractive, nay, gorgeous people singing about how they can't find anyone to like them. 

I think my prime example of this sort of insulting poseurism is Taylor Swift.  (By insulting, I mean for all us Uglies out there.  How does she really know the life of the Ugly?  What we have to go through?  All that we have achieved despite our handicaps and social stigmas?  Nothing.)

Yes, Taylor Swift, when the biggest part of your "Game" is existing, I'm sure that you spend plenty of weekends alone. 

Well, enough of that, back to the couch.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Slow Post Weekend.

It started last night before work.  Couldn't tell if it was the hangover or the flu. 
Turns out it was the flu. 
Or The Swine Flu
Or The Bird Flu
Or whatever it's supposed to be this year. (Anyone remember the Lyme Disease fad?  That was years ago.)
So just lying on the couch, seeing what's on, and recovering. 

But don't worry, I'll try to keep up with my blogging, because that's just what a tough guy I am. 

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Attraction and Self Loathing.

I saw myself the prettiest girl,
her eyes were smiling at me.
I would have gone to say hello,
but dammit she seemed so happy.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Second Impressions

Dom the Entertainer stares at me from his business card.
That cocky smile, the popped collar and suit.
Confidence, Success.
Small town wedding singer.
Excuse me, Wedding Entertainer.
Pity or Hate?  I waffle.
Long term guest comes in.
A drunk, a philanderer.
Looks like the even eyed twin brother of Sloth.
More tales of his awesomeness,
of all the money he'll make.
He finally stumbles back to his room
chuckling dollar signs.
I break down and check Dom's website.
That grammar.
I settle on pity, wish his little dream luck.
The guest?
Maybe something will come up.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Bright Side of the Apocalypse

With some luck it'll all be the same
when the shit hits the fan.
With no family
and out of love.
All part of the Master Plan.


It was a good weekend.
Small Wisconsin town.
Churches and ducks. 
Nothing really excited happened. 
Punched a duck, but he was asking for it.
Found a bar that let you smoke in it, even though I guess It's illegal there.
So all in all not bad.  I'll try to think of more as I let it soak in.

Friday, April 22, 2011


I figures since everyone else did the XXX followers post, so would I.  Sorry I don't have any neat gifts to give (unless you're a lady, then message me and maybe we can figure something out)
But sorry for the bland post.  Not gonna be on here much, family obligations this weekend for Easter.
Maybe some adventures will happen on the road to Wisconsin. 
Or not.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

South Central (Minnesota)

Outside the YMCA, a bus pulls up.
Red shirts pile out and gather out front.
Blue shirts come out to meet them.
Gunplay does not ensue.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Moving On (A Tale of Love)

I present to you the interesting case of Benjamin Nottingham, who hired a medium to contact his beloved wife of thirteen years and mother of his three children only to learn she had become the biggest whore of the Great Beyond. 

It marriage and bodies ceased to exist in the hereafter, apparently neither did STDs.  Poor dead Mary used this newfound moral and physical freedom to hump and suck her way across the Astral Plane.

After the revelation, Benjamin decided it was time to follow his friends advice and move on.  He removed all pictures of Mary from the house and refuses to talk about her with the children. 

"I just tell them she's happy," he glumly replied "It's not technically lying...stupid whore."

"He spends way too much time reading the obituaries now,"  a friend said "It's creepy.  Every time a relatively young guy dies he sneers 'Have fun with that one, bitch'  I mean, c'mon, what is that?"

Benjamin has even offered to donate his own kidney to his long time friend Mike Sutton.  "Mike's always had a little crush on Mary,"  Benjamin explains.  "You think I'm gonna let that drunk get his hands on her?"

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

My T-Shirt

I'd forgotten to mention the t-shirt I'd had made up.
If the pic is too small it says Well behaved women rarely make history, but they make great sandwiches.
I also have it available on coffee mugs and bumper stickers. 
Just something I thought I'd share on a slow day, and to see what you think. Sorry to any female readers who are offended.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Tax Day, Bad Day

Oh, getting money back, it's just the damn numbers that depress me.
It's a wonder I eat.
Fish grilling on the Foreman, it wasn't too frozen, not sure how long it'll take. 
No, no, no, next, continue, no, next.
"Really?" the online tax form screams.  "Nothing has changed in your life? This is all you've done?"
"Did you put your age correctly?"
Save the form and check the fish. 
Not like I'll get the money any sooner, should have gone on a walk instead. 
I scrape the burnt scraps of fish off my Foreman, thinking of my refund.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

A Snapshot Of My Day

I walked into the bathroom to take a piss, and standing there in front of the toilet I started fidgeting with my toothpaste (the cap was off). 
Suddenly remembering I was there to piss I just started to go.  Forgetting to take my wang out.
I started to piss my pants right there. 
I didn't even try to stop it or take my pants off, figuring the damage had already been done.
So now I'm sitting here in still soaked pants, and it's starting to chafe. 

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Picture of Sock

So a lot of people have been asking "Who is this Sock who is hassling you?  Is she at least hot?"  Well, to be honest, I can't give an objective answer to that since we have such a history together.

So I've decided to post a picture of her lying in bed while I had to get up for work.  I promised her I'd never share it, but considering what she's putting me through, screw it.

(Those curves, that mouth.  Tell me you wouldn't tap that.)

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Neighborhood Watch

Little Bastards, playing in the yard outside my window.
Dad on the stoop, too drunk/strung to do anything put put his bald head in his hands and yell.
The don't listen, in the high pitched kid haze of fun.
Run and scream. Baritone threats. Silence. Run and scream
Dad finally moves his hands to snare one running by and forcefully sits him down.  His yelling is getting sharper.
Something is going to snap soon.
And then I'll be forced to do nothing.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

A Plebe Serving the Masters

She waddles down to the desk and asks for shampoo (probably a first), toothpaste and brush (definitely a first), and lotion. (I can't help but picture it getting clogged in her open sores, probably stings, must have to use a q-tip or something to get it out)

She paid one hundred thirty-five dollars total for the room. Cash. More money than I could think of spending for anything. She thanks me with genuine gratitude and stale breath, and waddles back to the elevators. I go back to the office and adjust my tie. 
One hundred thirty-five dollars. 
Must be nice.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Sock Update and Lack of Post

Sorry, but nothing new today.  Socks been bothering me with calls at every hour of the day about this baby thing.  (If you're not familiar with Sock, you can check out previous posts about her)  So I've had to resort to ripping out all the phone lines in my house and changing the numbers on my house.

That should hold her for a while.

But that being said, I'm not posting from home, and I'm not near my notebooks.  Right now I'm sitting at a coffee shop, using their wireless.  But this won't last.  There's only so long you can hold off the manager's questioning, claiming to be reading through the drink menu trying to decide your order...

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Nice Work, If You Can Get It.

He waited just inside the back door, watching the club. It closed 15 minutes ago, won't be long now, he's sure. Pea coat, jeans. About 35 or so. Not a bad looking guy. Didn't stink when I walked by to get my chips.
Not drunk, but had just enough to make it seem like it could happen.
The front of the club was dead. He must not have known the place had a backdoor.
Closed 25 minutes ago.
I watch on the monitors, finishing my chips. Hope he didn't giver her money before hand.
She's putting the cash on her dresser. Not even laughing, just a day's work. Well, maybe he's imagining her laughing.
Closed 45 minutes ago.
He 12th time checks his phone and slowly walks back across the lobby to his room's hall. Four minutes later the phone rings. Young woman's voice.
“Sorry, I got a call from this number.”
“Oh, okay,” I hang up.
I sweep the crumbs onto the floor with my hand, hungry.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


Some of you might not know this, but in between my careers of being a short story writer, poet, and binge drinker, I also dabble in making predictions.  These all come to me in lucid dreams while I lay in my hang over funk.  Luckily for you today, I found some hidden predictions in one of my notebooks.  Ladies and gentle men I present to you NOTstradamus.

Catagory: World Events
In the West there will be a man
who does evil deeds.
By evil, I mean some seriously
fucked up shit.
The entire world will look at his
deeds and say 
"Seriously, that's pretty fucked up."

Catagory: Weather and World Events
A river in the middle of the land shall rise.
and even though it has happened many times before.
People will act in shock and
be surprised by it.

Catagory: Sports
 And a great Coach shall come
save the wondering team.
Adoration from the crowds
will echo,
but like echos, will not last.
As he leaves in disgrace
no fan shall claim him.

These are all I could find right now.  As you can see, they are all very frightening pictures of our future, so I avoid looking at them as much as I can.  But I felt like I must warn the world of least a part of what is coming.  It is, after all, my destiny.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


Sorry, usually try to post something new every other day, but today just can't muster it.  So here's some old little ones I've found in a notebook.  Like it says, take it or leave it.

Dating Tips For Your 
Teenage Daughter

It doesn't make you a slut,
If you're passed out.

Something About Direction,
It Think

I tried to write a picture.
tried to paint a song.
I try to do all the right things,
I just seem to do them wrong.

Because He Doesn't Have Eyes!

Billy Toothbrush heard a sound.
Billy Toothbrush looked around.
What Billy Toothbrush couldn't see,
Was that the sound had come from me.

Comforting News

I've ridden a bike,
I've ridden a horese.
So don't worry baby,
I've ridden worse.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Bayside High Class of '94 Reunion

I just got an invitation for our 15 year class reunion from that PC worshiping, holier than thou witch, Jessie Spano. “Dear Peoples of Bayside class of '94!” Blech. Surprised she didn't require us to bring canned goods for the homeless or cleaning supplies for oil stained penguins.

I'm not even sure how she got the job of putting the reunion together, but it doesn't surprise me one bit. She's was one of Belding's Brats, the group of six that hung out in his office all the time, so therefore were the coolest kids ever and got the run of that buffoon's school. Prom King and Queen, valedictorian, running all the class projects and programs, that insipid band of theirs, class president, sports superstars, the school radio station, it's like Bayside consisted solely of them and the other 200 kids that went there didn't even exist. They were the “in” group, and they couldn't be bothered to even talk to anyone else, unless of course they needed you to do something for them in order to help them with some stupid prank on another Belding Brat.

I'm tempted to send an RSVP saying that I'm sorry but I can't make it, I'll be spending that night clubbing baby seals and slapping random women on the ass while stoned on sleeping pills. That's right, just mention No Doze to Ms. High and Mighty and watch her stiffen up like that muscle shirt ape forgot his anatomy lessons again.

I don't know about anyone else, but I'd rather brush my gums with a bleach soaked Brillo Pad than watch another night of her and Albert Clifford, I'm sorry, A.C Slater do their sick dance around each other, trying to flirt by calling each other names. It's like they were stuck in the 6th grade, the way they would flirt. And maybe they were, because lord knows nobody ever saw or heard of them ever do anything but sit in her room and kiss.

It wouldn't surprise me one bit to find out if the guy was technically retarded. That's right, Mr. Wrestling Champ Football Team Captain almost missed the big game against Valley once because he couldn't pass a test that asked what country bombed Pearl Harbor. No Joke. Maybe that's why he spent all his time flexing his muscles and pushing smaller kids around, it's all his feeble mind could handle. He'd walk into the locker room and glare at you like he was gonna kick your ass all the time, or if you happened to be sitting at a table at The Max that he wanted, he'd scare you off or simply pick you up and move you. I complained to Mr. Balding many times about that asshole, but he'd just do his stupid laugh and tell me that A.C was harmless. What a tool.

Maybe he was harmless, because I saw Mr. Mighty Beefcake get in a fight once, and by fight I mean he and Zack Morris push each other around in the hall and paw at each others shirts like they were back in the locker room. Oh yeah, that was the high drama in the school at the time, two of Belding's biggest pets fighting each other over a girl. It was like finding out your parents were getting divorced for some of the kids. It was disgusting. The best part was when they made nice again by pouring punch down each others pants during a dance. Looking back, I think they did have a thing going on, the way Zack would go around pretending he was God's gift to women.

Ah, Zack Morris, he walked around acting like every girl wanted him because he had blond hair and a cell phone. The guy had a serious narcissism problem, he acted like the sun rose and set around him, and time itself would stop if he had something to say. The guy would seriously talk to himself all the time. He had to be the center of everything, every pledge drive, charity event, class project, or school event. Everything was Zack, Zack, Zack. He even had the band he and the other Brats formed named after himself. “Zack Attack”. Seriously? Zack Attack? Attack what? Our sense of musical decency? The band had a damn keyboardist, and played dopey weepy pre-teen love songs. Apparently the whole grudge movement of the 90's passed these guys by while they were all together having a make out orgy.

But of course they got to play every dance because he and Mr. Balding were best freaking friends. No matter how many times Zack would totally disrupt the school while the rest of us were trying to, you know, learn or something, Mr. Tool in Chief would let him off the hook. I heard once that Belding's WIFE showed Zack her cooch while they were in the elevator together. Okay, so that is pretty cool, but the guy really had no other reasons for his inflated sense of self importance other than his little toady Screech Powers.

Have you ever seen somebody who was supposed to be so smart be such a retard? Oh, I get it, the guy had a robot, so he must be a genius. I honestly never saw the guy do a smart thing in his life. All his life was devoted to was trailing Zach around like he was his jew-fro gimp and get belittled and pushed around by him and A.C. I heard he works at Bayside now as Mr. Belding's assistant or something. They probably just sit around in his office all day and cry about how much they miss their poor Zacky-poo.

Oh, and if you thought Miss Not A Cause I Won't Take Up Unless It's Shutting the Hell Up and Corky Beefcake's romance wasn't sick enough, the on again, off again, will they or won't they, my God why do we even care? Soap Opera of Zack and Kelly's was just about enough to make me take a bottle of No Doze and dance like a crazy person.

Yes, perky, perfect, nice Kelly Kapowsky. Actually, alone she wasn't all that bad, she actually was a nice person, the only thing that would piss you off was that she knew she was perky and perfect, therefore had to cram it down your throat like it was Zack's dick after a couple cherry sodas at The Max, but you could look over that, but if you found her around “The Ones” she was just like them and obviously too good for you.

But all the perkiness in the world can't answer the question of what ever happened to Kelly senior year? One day she's Homecoming Queen with her stupid red face, and the next? She's off on some vacation or something to who knows where and suddenly just re-appears just in time for graduation . Some say that she got preggers and her conservative family shipped her out of town until she had the kid, and I gotta say, I can believe it. It would only makes sense that the little blond bombshell couldn't take responsibility for anything. But you can be assured that while Kelly was off taking care of Zack's responsibility, he was having a good time with that Tori girl. Everyone knows that Kelly grew up in a poor family with about a bazillion kids, so I guess it makes sense that she would be in love with Zack because he paid attention to her and his dad was rich, so you know, he had a cell phone and everything.

And speaking of Tori, does anybody know what happened to her? She just disappeared Hadn't anyone else seriously put together the connection between girls Zack has been briefly involved with and their sudden and final disappearance? Tori, the chick he and Beefcake fought over, the fat girl, the crippled girl, that chick Stacy he supposedly banged that one summer, I mean, that guy is connected to more missing girls than Ted Bundy.

I suppose I should say something about their token member, Lisa Turtle, but really there isn't anything to say. All I know about her is that this is a girl who grew up in suburban L.A with two surgeon parents, but as soon as you said anything she didn't like, it was all snapping fingers and ghetto sass up in your face. Girl, give me a break. I heard she's a fashion designer or something now. Which suits her. I can just picture her and other shallow intellects sitting around and congratulating each other for having the brilliance to put blue stripes and black plaid together.

After graduation, (which also, surprise, surprise, turned into another event all about the Brats), I jumped in my car and never looked back. I have no idea where they are now, but I heard that they all went to college together here in California. I'd like to see how the Brats did in a school where they weren't the A team and school president pets, maybe then they'd know what high school was like for the rest of us. I can just imagine the shock it must have been to their system when they found thousands of other students who were much more popular in much larger schools that had things like a full size gym. No, I didn't go to the 10 year reunion, won't be going to the 15th , and probably won't be making the 25th Like I said, I hopped into my car and haven't even given those morons a second thought. I'm over them. Aren't I?