Bayside High Class of '94 Reunion

I just got an invitation for our 15 year class reunion from that PC worshiping, holier than thou witch, Jessie Spano. “Dear Peoples of Bayside class of '94!” Blech. Surprised she didn't require us to bring canned goods for the homeless or cleaning supplies for oil stained penguins.

I'm not even sure how she got the job of putting the reunion together, but it doesn't surprise me one bit. She's was one of Belding's Brats, the group of six that hung out in his office all the time, so therefore were the coolest kids ever and got the run of that buffoon's school. Prom King and Queen, valedictorian, running all the class projects and programs, that insipid band of theirs, class president, sports superstars, the school radio station, it's like Bayside consisted solely of them and the other 200 kids that went there didn't even exist. They were the “in” group, and they couldn't be bothered to even talk to anyone else, unless of course they needed you to do something for them in order to help them with some stupid prank on another Belding Brat.

I'm tempted to send an RSVP saying that I'm sorry but I can't make it, I'll be spending that night clubbing baby seals and slapping random women on the ass while stoned on sleeping pills. That's right, just mention No Doze to Ms. High and Mighty and watch her stiffen up like that muscle shirt ape forgot his anatomy lessons again.

I don't know about anyone else, but I'd rather brush my gums with a bleach soaked Brillo Pad than watch another night of her and Albert Clifford, I'm sorry, A.C Slater do their sick dance around each other, trying to flirt by calling each other names. It's like they were stuck in the 6th grade, the way they would flirt. And maybe they were, because lord knows nobody ever saw or heard of them ever do anything but sit in her room and kiss.

It wouldn't surprise me one bit to find out if the guy was technically retarded. That's right, Mr. Wrestling Champ Football Team Captain almost missed the big game against Valley once because he couldn't pass a test that asked what country bombed Pearl Harbor. No Joke. Maybe that's why he spent all his time flexing his muscles and pushing smaller kids around, it's all his feeble mind could handle. He'd walk into the locker room and glare at you like he was gonna kick your ass all the time, or if you happened to be sitting at a table at The Max that he wanted, he'd scare you off or simply pick you up and move you. I complained to Mr. Balding many times about that asshole, but he'd just do his stupid laugh and tell me that A.C was harmless. What a tool.

Maybe he was harmless, because I saw Mr. Mighty Beefcake get in a fight once, and by fight I mean he and Zack Morris push each other around in the hall and paw at each others shirts like they were back in the locker room. Oh yeah, that was the high drama in the school at the time, two of Belding's biggest pets fighting each other over a girl. It was like finding out your parents were getting divorced for some of the kids. It was disgusting. The best part was when they made nice again by pouring punch down each others pants during a dance. Looking back, I think they did have a thing going on, the way Zack would go around pretending he was God's gift to women.

Ah, Zack Morris, he walked around acting like every girl wanted him because he had blond hair and a cell phone. The guy had a serious narcissism problem, he acted like the sun rose and set around him, and time itself would stop if he had something to say. The guy would seriously talk to himself all the time. He had to be the center of everything, every pledge drive, charity event, class project, or school event. Everything was Zack, Zack, Zack. He even had the band he and the other Brats formed named after himself. “Zack Attack”. Seriously? Zack Attack? Attack what? Our sense of musical decency? The band had a damn keyboardist, and played dopey weepy pre-teen love songs. Apparently the whole grudge movement of the 90's passed these guys by while they were all together having a make out orgy.

But of course they got to play every dance because he and Mr. Balding were best freaking friends. No matter how many times Zack would totally disrupt the school while the rest of us were trying to, you know, learn or something, Mr. Tool in Chief would let him off the hook. I heard once that Belding's WIFE showed Zack her cooch while they were in the elevator together. Okay, so that is pretty cool, but the guy really had no other reasons for his inflated sense of self importance other than his little toady Screech Powers.

Have you ever seen somebody who was supposed to be so smart be such a retard? Oh, I get it, the guy had a robot, so he must be a genius. I honestly never saw the guy do a smart thing in his life. All his life was devoted to was trailing Zach around like he was his jew-fro gimp and get belittled and pushed around by him and A.C. I heard he works at Bayside now as Mr. Belding's assistant or something. They probably just sit around in his office all day and cry about how much they miss their poor Zacky-poo.

Oh, and if you thought Miss Not A Cause I Won't Take Up Unless It's Shutting the Hell Up and Corky Beefcake's romance wasn't sick enough, the on again, off again, will they or won't they, my God why do we even care? Soap Opera of Zack and Kelly's was just about enough to make me take a bottle of No Doze and dance like a crazy person.

Yes, perky, perfect, nice Kelly Kapowsky. Actually, alone she wasn't all that bad, she actually was a nice person, the only thing that would piss you off was that she knew she was perky and perfect, therefore had to cram it down your throat like it was Zack's dick after a couple cherry sodas at The Max, but you could look over that, but if you found her around “The Ones” she was just like them and obviously too good for you.

But all the perkiness in the world can't answer the question of what ever happened to Kelly senior year? One day she's Homecoming Queen with her stupid red face, and the next? She's off on some vacation or something to who knows where and suddenly just re-appears just in time for graduation . Some say that she got preggers and her conservative family shipped her out of town until she had the kid, and I gotta say, I can believe it. It would only makes sense that the little blond bombshell couldn't take responsibility for anything. But you can be assured that while Kelly was off taking care of Zack's responsibility, he was having a good time with that Tori girl. Everyone knows that Kelly grew up in a poor family with about a bazillion kids, so I guess it makes sense that she would be in love with Zack because he paid attention to her and his dad was rich, so you know, he had a cell phone and everything.

And speaking of Tori, does anybody know what happened to her? She just disappeared Hadn't anyone else seriously put together the connection between girls Zack has been briefly involved with and their sudden and final disappearance? Tori, the chick he and Beefcake fought over, the fat girl, the crippled girl, that chick Stacy he supposedly banged that one summer, I mean, that guy is connected to more missing girls than Ted Bundy.

I suppose I should say something about their token member, Lisa Turtle, but really there isn't anything to say. All I know about her is that this is a girl who grew up in suburban L.A with two surgeon parents, but as soon as you said anything she didn't like, it was all snapping fingers and ghetto sass up in your face. Girl, give me a break. I heard she's a fashion designer or something now. Which suits her. I can just picture her and other shallow intellects sitting around and congratulating each other for having the brilliance to put blue stripes and black plaid together.

After graduation, (which also, surprise, surprise, turned into another event all about the Brats), I jumped in my car and never looked back. I have no idea where they are now, but I heard that they all went to college together here in California. I'd like to see how the Brats did in a school where they weren't the A team and school president pets, maybe then they'd know what high school was like for the rest of us. I can just imagine the shock it must have been to their system when they found thousands of other students who were much more popular in much larger schools that had things like a full size gym. No, I didn't go to the 10 year reunion, won't be going to the 15th , and probably won't be making the 25th Like I said, I hopped into my car and haven't even given those morons a second thought. I'm over them. Aren't I?