Friday, October 7, 2011

History of the Raccoon.

I've never done requests before.  But fortunately for Hasidic Plumber, I do in fact have a true story involving raccoons.  (and also I've never actually gotten a request)
So if you like it, I'll happily take all the credit.  If you don't, go to his page and blame him because it was his idea. 
Or how knows, maybe I will take requests in the future. 

History of the Raccoon

Furry little imps, cute trouble makers of the suburban wildlife. 
Broken purr louts, eaters of garbage and dog food.
They smell like the living dead, their black paws speak of necrosis.
They say that the black face is like a mask, but I know the truth.

One summer in high school I went away to go work with a brother. 
The work sucked, but that was also the summer I met Tessa.
A farm girl and Tamer of Raccoons.
She loved her babies, and they loved her.
One especially, more than he should.
After work I'd walk across the pasture to go see her,
and give her the time in the barn as he watched.
The raccoon, heartbroken and pale faced, tried to forgive her, time and again.
Until it was too much. 
He went back to his room, looked at his crying face in the mirror.
He put on his saddest record and slowly painted his eyes black.
Black as the void left in his heart.
He looked at his new visage, pleased that he finally looked how he felt.
Under our sounds in the loft he softly whispered to his reflection
Then with a trembling black paw he reached for the gun.
And shot himself. 


  1. May the racoon's soul RIP.
    In future if I have racoon problem, I should call you? and you could take care of this mass suicide or you need that Tessa girl too?

  2. Wow, i didn't know that raccoons life was so hard. That's a dark view on our furry friends. I will make sure to mention you on my today's post. People needs to know that being a raccoon aint easy.

  3. I wonder if the plumber would find that as a happy ending or not. I'm unsure.

  4. Have for the life of me not seen a racoon in real life. They're not al that common here, anyway, but still...

  5. This kind of reminds of the article I read about a guy who hunted raccoons and turned them into jerky. ._.

  6. I just realized that I've never seen a raccoon in person. O_o

  7. haha another posts about racoons

  8. Raccoons are better than humans.

  9. How could you do in in front of poor raccoon? Heartless bastard! xd

  10. Curious....
    "One summer in high school I went away to go work with a brother."
    You went with another of your parents' children? Or did you go with a black guy?
    Raccoons-best when they end up as Road Pizza.

  11. it's a hard knock life....even for animals.

  12. Wow... I had no idea raccoons were so emotional. What a horrible life.

  13. nicely done, you are very talented!

  14. The plumber and his raccoon obsession scares me sometimes.

  15. Racoons are actually very smart and make good pets, but wild ones will rip you a new asshole

  16. these arent the droids your looking for

  17. You forgot to mention raccoons are also superheroes.

  18. I once saw a raccoon in some bushes. Your move.